22 April 2016

Dear Ex...

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Dear Ex,

We broke up fourteen years back, but it still seems like yesterday. 

After we broke up, I really felt bad at all the harsh words that I had used against you, I really felt bad at the way I had treated you, felt bad at the way I had taken you for granted, felt bad because I had stopped making you feel special, which you really deserved. Felt bad because I was a chauvinistic pig. I was obnoxious and over possessive about you. Felt bad because I had failed to see things from your point of view. Felt bad because it was all my fault.

May be I was a bit bored with you, may be I had taken you for granted, may be I was feeling suffocated inside the relationship, may be the fire had died out, may be the monotony of daily life had sucked out the magic, may be I had commitment problems, may be I had this inherent desire to be a Casanova, may be I was too young to tie myself down with only one woman for the rest of my life, may be I wanted to sow my wild oats some where else or may be all over the place, may be I wanted grape-waalis around me, may be I was looking for something else, or someone else.   

But after we broke up, suddenly I was totally alone and helpless. The days of non-stop phone conversations were gone. Whenever the landline phone used to ring, I hoped against hope that you were calling me. But you never did. I thought that may be you were also sitting on the other end of the phone and waiting for my call. May be like me, you were also staring blankly at the landline phone. 

You were my emotional support system. When we suddenly broke-up, I immediately felt vulnerable. We used to talk daily and we used to tell each other everything. It had become a habit for us. After our break-up, the days and nights suddenly seemed very strange. As if something was missing. All the events of the ongoing days kept on pilling up inside my head and there was no body around to share them with. 

I thought and thought and thought. Where everything went wrong? I could have saved the situation. But my ego and my short temper killed our relationship. And there was no going back. You had moved on in life. I also had to do the same. Thought of committing suicide once or twice, but did not have the courage to do so. 

After our break-up, whenever I saw love-birds around me, I felt jealous. The way they talk only through their eyes, the way they hold each other's hands, the way they drown themselves in sweet nothings, the way they steal a kiss in crowded places, it all made me miss the good old times with you. I started going alone to all those places where as a couple we used to go regularly.   

I still remember the first day we started talking over the phone, the first day we met, the first time I held your hand, our first coffee together at Caffeine at Gol Park, the first movie together at Priya Cinema, our first 'fuchka' together, the first taxi ride, our first Durga Puja together at Maddox Square, our first walk together up and down Park Street, the first time we went to Rabindra Sarobar Lake, our first Statesman Vibes at Nazrul Manch, the first kiss on your lips, the first kiss on your forehead...

Slowly I picked up the pieces of my broken heart and started to move on. But life was not the same without you. You were always there on my mind. I thought about you every single day and night. But gradually I started dating other girls. One by one they all came and went away. I was basically searching for you in all of them. And no one was up to the mark. Every time I was disappointed. You were simply the best and no woman could take your place in my heart. 

Anyways, there is no point in discussing all these things now. I have to accept my fate. I have screwed up my life. I should not have let you go away like this. Between my ego and your self-respect, our love was lost. Fourteen years have passed since our break-up, but it still seems just like it happened yesterday. 

With heart-ache,
Your Ex...

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